At the worst possible time...

My grandfather passed away on Monday night. After slipping into a coma, his collasped lungs and ailing kidneys only called for the inevitable. My parents attended his funeral today in Miri; they'll be due back here at noon tomorrow.

Somehow, I think the reality of my grandfather's passing hasn't quite hit me yet. Instead of feeling sadness and grief, I'm more in a state of shock. But i'm sure my mind will absorb the tragic news once i get back to Miri, and see his favourite arm chair vacant. Why tragic? Simply because my grandfather was a strong and healthy man for his age. He could have lived for a good many years longer, but at the beginning of this year, he hinted to close relatives that he was "losing his will to live". Part of the reason for that is because of his wife, my grandmother, who held onto his freedom with a knuckle-whitening grip. I don't wish to reveal the complexities of the family here, for such things are best forgotten.

As how my sister put it, my grandfather was one of the sweetest and gentlest old men that we've ever known. A bout of throat cancer in his earlier years terminally damaged his voice box, which meant that it was hard to understand his dry, husky, and seemingly painful words. Still, he never failed to greet us with his smile. He always looked so happy whenever we went back to visit the family. Now that I think of it, I feel really really sad, knowing that I'll never get to see him again. He was still so strong and healthy not too long ago. It really is just... tragic.

I have mixed feelings about not making the trip back to Miri for his funeral though. On the one hand, I feel bad. I didn't have the chance to pay my last respects, to see him one last time, and ultimately, to send him off to his better home with the rest of my family there. But on the other hand, I'm glad that I'm still here in Singapore. As mean and selfish as it sounds, I really can't bear to be in the thick of the grief that my uncles, aunts and cousins are going through right now. They have lived with my grandpa their whole life, and now he's gone. His passing is astronomically worse for them than it is for me or my sister. Watching them mourn would be more painful for me than looking at my grandpa's corpse. I really can't bear to be there.... as much as I want to comfort them, I don't think I'm strong enough. Still, I know my grandpa suffered alot over the past few weeks of his illness. Now that he's passed on, I'm glad that he no longer has to suffer.

Speaking of suffering, my poor sister has been through hell over the past couple of days. A severe viral infection had left her bedridden, and with both of my parents being overseas for the past week, me and David (my sis's bf and fiance-to-be) were left to take care of the house and her respectively. Eventually, her condition worsened, and she was hospitalized on Tue morning.

It was scary to see how badly the virus had crippled my sis. She couldn't walk, she crawled. Standing up was impossible without the support of another being. Body pains and sharp headaches left her writhing about in agony wherever she went. Rashes covered her face and body, and she suffered from recurring spells of high fever.

David has been amazing throughout her ordeal. He was with her all the way through; to support her, to make sure she takes her medicine, to cheer her up, to talk to her, to comfort her, to feed her, and ultimately to love her. My sis has a gem of a companion in him. They really are one. I did my part by buying back food for them everyday, as well as taking care of the house and the 4 cats. Thank goodness I have my license; can't imagine how much more troublesome it would be if I couldn't drive.

Now that my sis is in hospital, my mother can leave for Miri with peace of mind, knowing that she is in good hands. Thankfully, her condition is improving slightly; the pains are gone, and she can now hobble her way to the toilet herself. David is spending most of his time there with her; he stays over in the ward with her. I'm pretty much playing the same role; bringing stuff like clothing and neccessities from home to the hospital. Spent the afternoon in the ward with her though, as David had to return home to celebrate his grandma's b'day. With all that free time, I watched the Matrix on David's laptop while my sis slept.

I don't think I've ever been this independent in my whole life. For the past week or so, I've done quite alot of stuff that I've never done before, and since my sis fell sick, household matters became entirely my responsibility. I wash the dishes, do the laundry, feed the cats, clear the kitty litter, clean up spills, make my own meals etc etc. This serves as a great prelude to the time that I will spend studying in Aussie in 2006, or perhaps is good training to become a house husband. This is definitely a phase in my life that I'll never forget.

Unfortunately, over the past few days, I started coming down with a slight fever myself. Perhaps i had caught something from my sis, or the stress and complexity of the situation around me had affected my health. Yesterday was a tough day for me, for I first had to settle leave problems with my camp, then send my mom to the airport to get her tickets to Miri, then send my sis to the clinic, then to the hospital, and do up all the paperwork that was involved, then bring all her clothing and stuff to her ward, and finally come back home to settle the chores. All this with a fever. Definitely a day to remember...

Well, right now, I guess my sis should be sleeping in her ward, with David by her side. My parents will be due back tomorrow, and I am alone at home, as I have been for the past 2 days. All my chores are done, so I can now relax, and try my best not to fall sick.

My grandfather. It still hasn't hit me that he's dead. In my mind, he's still sitting in his chair, watching TV with my grandma, always smiling when he sees his grandkids from afar. But that's how I want to remember him. I sincerely hope, that wherever he is now, he's happy, and that he won't ever have to suffer again. Never, ever... again. ah gong, zai jian.