should i stay, or should i go...

I was going to blog about how I missed out on my marksman award by 2 shots. I was going to blog about a couple of new friends I made during the range. I was going to blog about how I realised that some of my colleagues are assholes. And I was going to blog about all the little normal things that happened in my normal, everyday life. But now, I'm going to blog about something much more significant.

My unit is asking for volunteers to fly to Aceh. Not to provide humanitarian aid, but to protect certain installments in the area. In other words, these MPs will be the few volunteers who will be armed in their duties. As to which installments that need protection has not been specified, but our guess would be warehouses that hold food supplies, medical aid etc etc. A show of force has to be present, similiar to the airport duties I mounted in the past. Only this time, the environment is much more real. More risky. More challenging. And more adventurous. My company, having had the experience of Ops B (airport patrol), has been approached to give a list of names by Monday. Volunteers who have been approved will either fly off on Monday night or the following Tuesday morning. They will be expected to stay in Aceh for at least a month, to provide as much support as they can.

I'll be honest. I'm scared to go. I'm scared of all the dangers that could, and will be present. I'm scared of the challenge of facing all the destruction, depression and death for a month. I'm scared of the possibilities of after shocks. I'm scared of the responsibility of holding a firearm, and the duty of protecting whatever is there with my life. It's one thing to goto a crippled country as a humanitarian worker, and another to go there as a show of force. Details of the operation are sketchy, and we have only been given 2 days to make our decision. Of course, my unit is only looking for volunteers, and I won't be forced against my will to go. I'm scared of the challenge, but at the same time, I've come to realise this.

In my entire life, I have done nothing which comes close to being as adventurous, challenging and dangerous as this. My whole life, I've been a boring guy. Nothing that I've ever done has really put me on the edge before. Nothing. There is a burning desire inside of me to take on this challenge that Life has thrown at me, overcome it, and at the end of day, tell myself that I've at last, done something. I don't want to be one of those people who go around, saying how pitiful the victims of the tsunami are, and how they helped by putting 10 bucks into a little plastic box at the train station. No, I don't want to "help" by doing something as easy as reaching into my wallet. I want to take on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and know what it feels like to do something. To help, to suffer, to be independent, to be responsible. And above all, to grow up. I've always believed that we advance in our lives through suffering. People who always find an easy way out will only learn Life's lessons later, at a much worse time and situation. I feel, that if I don't go for this mission, I would be going against alot of things I believe in.

As some of you know, I love telling stories. And the best stories are those which depict events that rarely ever occur in our normal everyday lives. I'm sure that this mission will give me plenty of stories to tell others, and most importantly, fill me with memories to hold on to, for the rest of my life. I've always day-dreamed about living life on the edge, for eg, putting myself at risk by doing extreme things. I've always wanted to break dance. I've always wanted to be a rally driver. I've always want to climb mountains. I've always wanted to..... Dream! That's all I bloody do! I dream and fantasise as I sit on my fat butt and do shit. What's the point? I need to do something challenging! Something that'll make me suffer, and make me appreciate all the good I have around me. I'm scared, yes, but that only strengthens my need to go.

Some of my colleagues advised me not to go. Their exact words, "As a friend, I sincerely hope you won't go. It's dangerous, and it's pointless." One even dared to criticise my decision to consider, by saying that I'm foolish to do this out of pride. Out of gung-ho-ism. Out of my ego. I sincerely felt like beating him up, but thankfully, I just scolded him and shut him up. (btw, he's the colleague who's an asshole)

I don't see this as an opportunity to go round boasting to people that I have the guts to go to the disaster zone and return in one piece. I don't see how the deaths of more than a 100, 000 people can be made as my trophy. No, I see this as an opportunity to actually live, and see Life beyond this controlled, concrete jungle that we live in. It would be my own personal achievement to actually do something radical, and yet at the same time follow the principles that I believe in. After all, my NS life is so relaxed, and boring. My other friends are dealing with live ammunition, mines, bombs, gas chambers etc etc EVERY DAMN DAY. Aren't they courting death as well? They go for overseas exercises as well, and boy do they have to endure a helluva lot of suffering. Much more than me. Isn't it time that I made my NS life more interesting?

I still haven't made the critical decision yet. Perhaps I still don't have the guts to throw myself into the bull pit. It's daunting; being away from my comfort zone for more than a month. I won't see my friends, family, and everything that I've become accustomed to. Just when I thought I could resume my gym routine, this pops up. Talk about perfect timing. Well, I said before, I like to be busy. And Life is definitely fulfilling that wish for me! Event after event has occured... I feel like I'm sliding down a hole, unaware of what I'm going to hit next.

As of now, my mother is against me going. Of course, she's my mother; the paranoid member of the family. All she did ever since I broke the news to her was pace up and down the house, with a look on her face that made it seem like I was going to war with the Iraqis. My father isn't too keen to let me go, but as usual, he always lets my mother make the decision. He just said the usual "it's not going to be easy...... yadadada..... will be dangerous........yadadadada" well DUH lah! I'm 19 going on 20! Am I going to go on with Life just avoiding all the big challenges that are thrown at me??

Wow.... my head feels lighter, having blogged everything I just did. I still have today and tomorrow to think it through. Whoever's reading this, feel free to leave a comment. Your opinions are most welcome. I'm going to take a break now... Will blog again, once I have made up my mind.