my head hurts

Open Road...

I'm sitting at the wheel
I got a green light
I'm not afraid of nothing
cos heart and soul im built for life

so let the engines roar
push the pedal down
i want the white lines on my highway
to lead me out of town

i got headlights
to guide me thru the night
i got the window down
and the radio playing
it makes me feel alive

If you're wondering what all the above is about, it's basically the lyrics of the verses from Bryan Adam's "Open Road". I guess this song's really moved me, in the sense that it's got a real "feel good" vibe, and the basic message of not being tied down by the past and memories, but instead to move on with life. Also, it's strongly linked to one of my favourite pastimes; driving at night, with the windows down and radio blastin. Yeah man...

Well, my super duper long X'mas weekend is over. It's back to work tomorrow morning. The only highlight of the day was Kung Fu Hustle!! Watched it with my sis and David in the evening. I have to say, that while it didn't have the ab-cramping humour that I was hoping for, the action scenes, fight choreography and graphics were just mind blowing. Excellent stuff, stephen chow has really brought Asian movies to the next level, especially in the special effects field. While the storyline isn't as complete and balanced as it was in Shaolin Soccer, the gist of it prevents Kung Fu Hustle from being another senseless action flick (e.g Triple X). Overall? I would give it 8/10.
Go watch it, you'll definitely enjoy it.

A couple of duds about today though. I was supposed to go down to IDP (the local help centre for students who want to study in Aussie unis) to do some research and get some brochoures. Well, me and my sis got there at 4.05pm, only to find out that the office closes at 4pm everyday.

Secondly, I don't know why, but I'm feeling rather giddy right now. Been feeling giddy since making our way back home from Suntec. Hmmm, not sure if i'm coming down with something.

An old secondary school friend of mine messaged me a couple of hours ago. She invited me to a bbq at her place on New Year's Day, and she also mentioned to "bring danielle along". That felt so damn weird, to have someone still thinking that you are attached to your gf who dumped you more than half a year ago. Well, I politely replied that Danielle had already found someone new a long time ago, and that I probably wouldn't be coming down due to an earlier appointment. She was like "oops sorry sorry", that sorta thing. Man... I don't even remember what it's like to be attached anymore. Well, that's good I guess. I'd rather not remember anything from that phase of my life....

I don't know where I'm going with my gym training. Due to all the events over the past month or so (straining my neck, grandfather's passing, sis's hospitalisation, return to m'sia), keeping up my gym schedule was IMPOSSIBLE. And now, when everything in my life has sort of stabilised once again, I STILL can't work out properly. Why? Thanks to a tug of war match on Friday, I got a mild tear in my right bicep, a muscle strain on the left side of my back, and aching quads. And my team didn't even win! It's like something keeps cropping up to screw it all up, as though life itself is trying to hinder my attempts to improve myself. Very, very pissed off. It's not like I'm being lazy. I WANT to work out, but I can't, coz it bloody hurts. The previous neck strain has taught me a painful lesson or two. And now, I'm feeling more and more unfit. My weight is dropping, which means that my muscle mass is turning to fat! Fed up...

Argh... enough ranting. I'll leave you with my usual list of recommendations. Until next time...

Recommended Songs to Check Out

Nelly feat Tim McGraw: Over and Over Again

Bryan Adams: Open Road

Lindasay Lohan: Rumours

Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting: All For One

P.M Dawn: Looking Through Patient Eyes

Recommended Movie

Kung Fu Hustle!

Recommended Thing To Do On Long Weekends

Don't sleep in!

From the wind and the rain, from the hurt and the pain

First and foremost, there are 3 people in my life whom I really want to thank. Christmas to me is just another public holiday. I don't celebrate it at all, but since it is a time when human bonds are cherished and honoured, I'll take this opportunity to honour 3 wonderful pals in my life.

Raf:
Thanks for all the kind words and advice that u've given me over the past months or so. Your listening ear, your crappy jokes and your optimisim have really helped me in times of down. Had a great time hanging out with you as well. There aren't many female rock lovers around these days, so you know you're something special! I'll be savin that poem too, it's really nice. Really glad to see that your guy has returned. Hope that everything works out for both of you. Here's to our friendship, cheers!

Islianah:
Although we haven't been contacting each other as much as before, the wacky updates in your blog, and the wise and beautifully written comments you leave in mine still remind me of what a friend you always have been. My best JC gal pal hasn't changed at all over the years! All the times we had back then are memories I'll treasure for eternity. I used to lament that JC sucked due to all the bad hoots around, and that I couldn't wait for NS to save me from this educational hell. Well, only after ending that phase of my life did I realise that I had been blinded by all the politics and backstabbing, to realise that alll along, I had been surrounded by blessings in the form of true bonds and friendships. Our friendship ranks right at the top of the list. Gawd, I miss JC! Lookin forward to meetin up with you and Raf soon. It's been a helluva long time!

Shuh:
I have no idea whether you will get to read this, but there are some things about us which I feel I should express. If someone was to ask me, whether I've received any help from up above during my times of turmoil, I'd say that that it would be you, in a heartbeat. Back in June, when I was suddenly left alone in the dark, in a new environment and surrounded by new challenges, you were my pillar of support. I remember fondly the times when you would drag me out of my misery by hanging out with me, chatting with me, and just basically, being THERE for me. You reminded me that I wasn't alone. For that, i can never thank you enough. A friend in need, is a friend indeed. Well, you were more than a friend to me. You were an angel, a blessing. Without you around, I don't think I ever would have gotten through this emotional thrashing half as scarred as I am now. I must admit that at times, my mind began toying with the bond between us. Was I in love with you? That was a question that really stumped me for awhile. But gradually, I came to realise, that if I had brought things to another level, it would have been on rebound. I would have been using you as a substitute for Danielle, and that would be totally unacceptable. It wouldn't have been fair to you, to me, and to all common sense on Earth. You, like me, had been emotionally scarred. The last thing you deserve, is to get into a relationship based on rebound. No, you deserve, much much better. This is why, I decided to distance myself from you for the past month or so. I needed to breathe, and be PROPERLY alone. If we had maintained the same degree of closeness, I don't know what things would have led to. Now, I can see things a little more clearly. We make e best combo as friends, as punks. That's where all our best times come from right? Once more, I want to thank you, for everything you've done for me. Although I don't show it, or express it, or say it, I'll always feel that you're a blessing from up above.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahhhh... I feel much better now, with all that off my chest. Yes, it's X'mas, and following my usual Xmas custom, I slept in like a pig. Woke up at 12 plus in e afternoon! Outstanding! Believe it, I've woken up at this time on every Xmas for quite a few years now!

Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. Went to the Swee Lee warehouse sale with Shen Yao and Gui Rong. Although they didn't discount any of the guitar effects I wanted, the price cuts on some of the guitars were enough to make me and Shen go sick in the stomach. A Joe Satriani signature for 700???? Fender Strats for 600??? OUCH.... makes me wanna kick myself in the balls for buying my PRS SE for 900, and that Ibanez for 750. Furthermore, it really, REALLY sucks to see stuff that u couldn't afford before, to actually be affordable now, but still UNaffordable coz of something that you had settled on earlier! Confusing? Never mind...

Got to know one of the sales staff at Swee Lee as well. He's a lucky young guy (16 and waiting for O results) who's managed to get one of the most coveted jobs among all young S'porean musicians (esp guitarists). A friendly chap who thinks I'm 30, his namecards are recycled in the sense that he had to re-use the name cards of an ex employee by cancelling out the name and filling in his own. It was interesting to see how hard he was trying to sell his product, by sharing his wide, but slightly flawed knowledge on electronics and gadgets. He almost had me on the hook after slashing 60 bucks off a Dime Wah, but thankfully, my NETS card remained un-swiped as I left the shop.

Sadly, Rong had to leave to meet her friends, so me and Shen hung out at my place, getting dunked out on PS 2 and guitar. After that, it was an unhealthy dinner of Hokkien mee at Katong, followed by an unhealthy dessert of cheese cake near my place. (haha, thankfully for me, I spared myself the extra calories of dessert. fruit tea was all I had) I've realised that I like to bring my friends to have dinner at my favourite eating places. Ah, the convienience of driving. Anyway, I had a very long and interesting chat with Shen over dessert. The ambience at Cheesecake Cafe is excellent; customers can just sit there for hours. Shen has more or less split with his gal. Poor chap... Apparently, he didn't really talk about his problems with anyone before, so i was more than glad to lend my listening ear. It's horrible to be alone when u are havin problems. Got to know more aspects of Shen's personality, and I'm pretty sure this is the first conversation he's had where he got to talk so much about himself. A shy, reserved and quiet kinda guy, he really needs to brush up on his communication skills when it comes to strangers. In fact, I got him to practise right there, by smiling and thanking waiters when they came to fill our tall glasses with iced water. Hopefully he's gained a little more confidence now.

If I have a gift, that would be my ability to listen. 80% of the time, I'm very receptive, and willing to listen to my friend's woes. I know a great deal of people who
1. are unable, or can't be bothered to listen
2. get bored and purposely make sulky faces when you try to confide in them
3. always interrupt others who are confiding in them, and turn the direction of the conversation towards themselves!

As long as I'm not exhausted or moody, I can be quite a good listener. Ever since I've been posted to ZPC (my MP company), I've gotten to know a couple of individuals who are far more intellectually developed than anyone I know. Long chats with them about life, friends, God, girls, and stuff have greatly improved my communication skills.

Alrighty then, this has been a very lengthy post. Have a nice holiday peeps. Until next time...

on second thoughts...

Ok...

I must admit my previous entry was pretty much pure, unadulterated emotion. It's been a couple of hours since I've stumbled upon her blog. I've played some PS2 with my sis, and now I'm feeling considerably better.

There are several things which I have to accept. Firstly, me and her are never going to get back together. She loves someone else, and as much as I miss her, I know that I'll never be able to accept her again. Above all, there is no reason for her to ever want to return. Secondly, I have to let go of the thought, that I'll never be able to find someone like her. It's true; to this day, I do not know any person, male or female, with whom I have such a close connection to. But, I can't let that hinder me. I guess it's a matter of faith, that the Ms Right will come walking by someday.

Thirdly, is that I'm not as hopeless as I perceive myself to be. Ever since she left, my self esteem has taken an astronomical tumble into the abyss. Parts of my personality have been altered, or damaged if you like. I feel... wounded, like an animal, gradually bleeding to death from an injury. But in reality, I have to believe that I'm not the pathetic loser I envision myself to be. There are still qualities within me that still hold true. It's up to me to use them.

And finally, I have to understand that moving on is something which is absolutely crucial. If I don't get over this barrier, I'll be stuck in a spiralling web of depression and lonliness. It's up to me, myself, and I. If I don't get myself through, no one will...

The wounds from this break up have formed a nemisis within my own mind. It's like my own prision, formed from memories and false hope. I have to free myself, there is no other way...

What the fuck have I done...

God...

I just stumbled upon danielle's blog. Read things that I really shouldn't have read. Found out about things that I really shouldn't know about. God.... I feel like i'm slipping back to square one.
WHY CAN'T I FUCKING MOVE ON????

Gawd..... why? Was I really such a horrible bf? I tried to make her happy, I was really happy with her. I wanted the best for her, I did everything I could. But how? It seems like everything I did was a screw up. I.... don't know how to love? What on earth is wrong with me?

That shotgun wound is back.... I feel it, straight in my gut. It's bleeding, I feel like puking. Why??? Why can't this shit go away???? I DON'T WANT THIS HELL ANYMORE.....!!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!

fuck this man.... I'm not going back to square one. I've come too far for this. So what if she's happy with that fuckin hunk who swept her off her feet? So what if she's SO much happier without me? SO what if she's saying all those lubby dubby things which i always wished to hear from her to that fuckin fucker? So what if she thinks he's sexy? So what if she desires him so much? SO WHAT? Fine, I'm uglier, less charming, less funny, less muscular, less EVERYTHING. But no fucking way am I gonna let this ordeal damage my mind any further... I can no longer think straight.... my mind, common sense, everything has been scrambled. I can't afford to slip any further into this abyss.... no, i can't.

i can't.

Will I resume my normal life after this trip? I can only hope...

Well, for whoever's concerned, I'm flying off tomorrow morning, back to Miri. I'll be back on the following Tuesday evening, which would be the 21st. It was a pretty last minute decision by my father, to get the whole family to head back and pay our respects to my late grandfather. I can only hope that this would be the closing chapter, of a somewhat painful, exhausting, and confusing phase of my life. Several aspects of my life have been distrupted ever since my grandfather fell ill. I am a person who requires stability and certainty in my life, hence the inclusion of routines and schedules in my daily activities. The interruption of these aspects has taken its toll on my well being over the past few weeks. I've been weak, slightly disoriented, short tempered, snappy, and oh so tired. I do not know what to expect when we reach back to Miri. Will this be the end of it all? I hope so...

Onto brighter things. My off day today has been enjoyable, but still rushed and tiring. Was supposed to renew my pass port in the morning, but I discovered that I left my 11b (SAF IC) in camp! So yours truly had to spend 16 bucks on a cab trip all the way back to Choa Chu Kang, ON my off day, JUST to get my stupid 11b. It was so weird, booking into camp at 12 noon, and booking out 5 minutes later. With my 11b safely in my wallet, it was off to the ICA building to get e passport done.

Once that was done, it was off to meet Rafidah, my fellow rocker, at Bugis. It was great to meet her again after such a long while. There aren't many people in my life whom I can crap, reminisce about JC days, and talk bout music with ALL at the same time! We stuffed ourselves silly with chicken at Esteller 77, afterwhich I brought her down to all e major music stores in the city area. Too bad there wasn't a real Tremonti model for her to drool over. Hoho. Brought her down to the Esplanade to enjoy the scenery (and rather perverse sculptures), afterwhich we had a very fattening dessert of red ruby at Marina Square.

Ay, well, Raf, if ya reading this, just hope that you won't let the shitty phases in your life affect you too much yah? It's alright to be depressed and brood over it for awhile, but remember that they are just phases, and phases WILL end. The rollercoaster will head up to the sky before you know it. And sooner or later, you are gonna break out of that prison, and be the wild child that you've always been. Ya know what I mean gal. ;) I'm glad and flattered that our chat today managed to make you feel better. And yes, if I do write a book, make sure you endorse it for me yah? Haha! Alter Bridge rules!

Well, all my bags are packed, and I'm ready to go. Ready to sleep actually. Till I get back, good bye all, and take care.

Recommended Songs to Enjoy

Dean Martin- Sway

Toad the Wet Sprocket- Walk on the ocean

Goo Goo Dolls- Black Balloon

Expose- Seasons Change

Recommended Movie to Watch

The Incredibles!

[If you still haven't watched it, GO NOW!]

Recommended DVD to Get

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended Version

[It's costly, but well worth it. Includes an hour's worth of cut footage, like how Saruman is killed, and plenty of comic relief from Gimli]

Recommended Website

http://www.ebaumsworld.com

[Bloody funny site. Check out videos of a drunk Bush, a techno penguin, and hand sex! Try the games too, like Squares]

Walk on the ocean...

Gawd, I'm so tired. Don't know what e cause of this lethargy is. My guess is due to e 3 hours of sleep I got on Sun night, thanks to guard duty. My eyes are freakin bloodshot, and that's a bad sign man... But I can't hit the sheets yet, coz I promised myself that I'll update my blog tonight.

Well, here are the highlights for the past couple of days. On Sat night, I accompanied Xiu Yi to attend an awards night for local film makers at Zouk. I must say that it was an interesting experience. There was a red carpet entrance for VIPs and celebrities, so there were plenty of flashes and video cams all over the place. I felt like a celebrity man, constantly being blinded by all the 'attention' around me. The event itself was pretty boring though. There were alot of boring speeches, and while e band (Electrico) playing was good, their songs were bland. I did thoroughly enjoy e screening of last years winning film though, "Lorong 27". Hilarious man...
Also had my first taste of valet parking. They should have this service everywhere. U stop the car outside e parking area, and someone parks e car for u. Upon leaving, they'll drive the car out and hand you the keys. Ha, e celebrity vibe once again. Once the event was over, we headed to Katong for some supper. All in all, I had a good time.

Sunday.... Guard duty. Nuff said.

And today, or yesterday to be precise, I finally watched The Incredibles!!! An excellent excellent film, by far the best animation flick I've watched to date. It was a mad rush though, me and Calvin barely got there in time, and our 2nd row seats weren't exactly ideal. But what the heck, it was now or never, and boy we didn't regret. This may sound really weird, but I think Elastigirl, or Mrs Incredible, is hot man. Haha... After the movie, it was a nice dinner at Sakura, and a whole lot of story telling and talking cock from me.

KK, I'm falling asleep.... Gd night, or morning....

Cocktail of negativity

monotony: the quality of wearisome constancy and lack of variety

cycle: a periodically repeated sequence of events

illusion: an erroneous perception of reality

stagnant: showing little or no sign of advancement; not developing or progressing


Life's getting better, or so I believed
Fate's played me out, i've been deceived

Where am I going? To where am I running?
Progression or retardation, that is the question
I feel like I am lost, desperate and blind
Oblivious to my stupidity, I sip stale like wine

I do not know how much more I can take
How much I can tolerate, my heart still quakes
I have been a fool; your puppet, your acquaintance
Your words burn me, do u not have a conscience?

As patient as I can be, I have been
Yet you ignore me further, it seems

I'm fucking tired of this bullshit
I have placed my final bid
This fucking cycle must be broken

but God tell me, where do i go from here...

Pain... in a different sense.

I made a big mistake today.

Do u know the feeling, whereby after you spend the night sleeping in some contorted position, your neck will be totally sore for the rest of the following day? Well, I got a sore neck from an afternoon nap, and I decided to go and train in e evening. Big mistake.... I aggravated the soreness to a full-blown strain. Hurts like hell now.... I'm so screwed. It's gonna hurt even more tomorrow morning, and I've got a 5 click run! Shit...

Anyway, the past 2 days have been the coldest I've experienced in S'pore for quite a while. Normally, I would really enjoy this kind of weather. Cool, breezy, cloudy, with just a slight drizzle now and then. But when u have to wake up every morning at 5am, with a zero possibility of sleeping in, this weather becomes very depressing! It's getting increasingly hard to get out of bed with this natural air conditioning. It seriously feels like Australia, on a cool summer day.

One problem with this cool weather though. Bathing in camp is horrendous! The water is FIENDISHLY cold man! Remember that scene in Titanic where Jack is freezing his balls off in e ocean? His teeth are chattering, he can barely speak, and little gasps of air escape from his mouth every few seconds? Well, that's pretty much how I sounded like when I took a shower during e past 2 days. Brrrr....

I've been formulating a little dream list of "Wanted goodies" for myself. In no particular order of desire...

1. Oakley Juliet sunglasses! Ultra cool, ultra solid, worn by some WRC drivers. BUT, costs 600 bucks...
2. Zoom MRS4! Portable recording studio complete with drum machine and software! Exactly what I need to start laying my song ideas down. 450 bucks till e end of Dec...
3. A new bicycle! Any bike will do.... a cheap durable one that is. For cycling to e interchange every morning, and cycling to burn time at night.
4. Dunlop Crybaby wah pedal! To add some "wah" to my guitar solos... heheh. Another 300 plus bucks...
5. My own car.... Hohohoho. Santa, will u please knock some sense into me? I need help...

At the worst possible time...

My grandfather passed away on Monday night. After slipping into a coma, his collasped lungs and ailing kidneys only called for the inevitable. My parents attended his funeral today in Miri; they'll be due back here at noon tomorrow.

Somehow, I think the reality of my grandfather's passing hasn't quite hit me yet. Instead of feeling sadness and grief, I'm more in a state of shock. But i'm sure my mind will absorb the tragic news once i get back to Miri, and see his favourite arm chair vacant. Why tragic? Simply because my grandfather was a strong and healthy man for his age. He could have lived for a good many years longer, but at the beginning of this year, he hinted to close relatives that he was "losing his will to live". Part of the reason for that is because of his wife, my grandmother, who held onto his freedom with a knuckle-whitening grip. I don't wish to reveal the complexities of the family here, for such things are best forgotten.

As how my sister put it, my grandfather was one of the sweetest and gentlest old men that we've ever known. A bout of throat cancer in his earlier years terminally damaged his voice box, which meant that it was hard to understand his dry, husky, and seemingly painful words. Still, he never failed to greet us with his smile. He always looked so happy whenever we went back to visit the family. Now that I think of it, I feel really really sad, knowing that I'll never get to see him again. He was still so strong and healthy not too long ago. It really is just... tragic.

I have mixed feelings about not making the trip back to Miri for his funeral though. On the one hand, I feel bad. I didn't have the chance to pay my last respects, to see him one last time, and ultimately, to send him off to his better home with the rest of my family there. But on the other hand, I'm glad that I'm still here in Singapore. As mean and selfish as it sounds, I really can't bear to be in the thick of the grief that my uncles, aunts and cousins are going through right now. They have lived with my grandpa their whole life, and now he's gone. His passing is astronomically worse for them than it is for me or my sister. Watching them mourn would be more painful for me than looking at my grandpa's corpse. I really can't bear to be there.... as much as I want to comfort them, I don't think I'm strong enough. Still, I know my grandpa suffered alot over the past few weeks of his illness. Now that he's passed on, I'm glad that he no longer has to suffer.

Speaking of suffering, my poor sister has been through hell over the past couple of days. A severe viral infection had left her bedridden, and with both of my parents being overseas for the past week, me and David (my sis's bf and fiance-to-be) were left to take care of the house and her respectively. Eventually, her condition worsened, and she was hospitalized on Tue morning.

It was scary to see how badly the virus had crippled my sis. She couldn't walk, she crawled. Standing up was impossible without the support of another being. Body pains and sharp headaches left her writhing about in agony wherever she went. Rashes covered her face and body, and she suffered from recurring spells of high fever.

David has been amazing throughout her ordeal. He was with her all the way through; to support her, to make sure she takes her medicine, to cheer her up, to talk to her, to comfort her, to feed her, and ultimately to love her. My sis has a gem of a companion in him. They really are one. I did my part by buying back food for them everyday, as well as taking care of the house and the 4 cats. Thank goodness I have my license; can't imagine how much more troublesome it would be if I couldn't drive.

Now that my sis is in hospital, my mother can leave for Miri with peace of mind, knowing that she is in good hands. Thankfully, her condition is improving slightly; the pains are gone, and she can now hobble her way to the toilet herself. David is spending most of his time there with her; he stays over in the ward with her. I'm pretty much playing the same role; bringing stuff like clothing and neccessities from home to the hospital. Spent the afternoon in the ward with her though, as David had to return home to celebrate his grandma's b'day. With all that free time, I watched the Matrix on David's laptop while my sis slept.

I don't think I've ever been this independent in my whole life. For the past week or so, I've done quite alot of stuff that I've never done before, and since my sis fell sick, household matters became entirely my responsibility. I wash the dishes, do the laundry, feed the cats, clear the kitty litter, clean up spills, make my own meals etc etc. This serves as a great prelude to the time that I will spend studying in Aussie in 2006, or perhaps is good training to become a house husband. This is definitely a phase in my life that I'll never forget.

Unfortunately, over the past few days, I started coming down with a slight fever myself. Perhaps i had caught something from my sis, or the stress and complexity of the situation around me had affected my health. Yesterday was a tough day for me, for I first had to settle leave problems with my camp, then send my mom to the airport to get her tickets to Miri, then send my sis to the clinic, then to the hospital, and do up all the paperwork that was involved, then bring all her clothing and stuff to her ward, and finally come back home to settle the chores. All this with a fever. Definitely a day to remember...

Well, right now, I guess my sis should be sleeping in her ward, with David by her side. My parents will be due back tomorrow, and I am alone at home, as I have been for the past 2 days. All my chores are done, so I can now relax, and try my best not to fall sick.

My grandfather. It still hasn't hit me that he's dead. In my mind, he's still sitting in his chair, watching TV with my grandma, always smiling when he sees his grandkids from afar. But that's how I want to remember him. I sincerely hope, that wherever he is now, he's happy, and that he won't ever have to suffer again. Never, ever... again. ah gong, zai jian.